Frustration and a Few Movie References

Ever have one of those "Murphy's Law" type of days?  Where everything that can go wrong, seems to go wrong?  It doesn't even have to be major, catastrophic stuff.  It could be as simple as you drop something on the kitchen floor, bend over to pick it up, your phone falls out of your pocket and the screen cracks.  Boom.  Stupid, dumb events that just seem to pile up and it's so FRUSTRATING!

The other day, I was cleaning the bathroom.  I was wiping the counter down and knocked over the can of air freshener which caused a domino effect of everything else that was on the counter.  I can't get a strike when I bowl and aim at pins but I can knock every single thing off my bathroom counter effortlessly.  Or...you leave the house for work and get in the car and realize you left your water bottle on the counter.  You have to shut the car off, re open the door which you've locked when you left and get the water bottle....then when you're walking back to the car you drop your keys in the snow bank and bend down to pick them up and your water bottle slips out of your grip and drops....and rolls down the driveway.  I mean, come on!!!!  Is there some hidden camera on my life that people are watching and dying laughing somewhere?  (Ever see The Truman Show?  "And in case I don't see you, Good afternoon, Good Evening and Good Night!)

You have to pause.....and breathe.  Seriously.  Ever feel like at that point just raising your head and screaming to the heavens, "What have I done that you are punishing me like this?"  Answer:  Silence.  Truth?  Nothing!!  That's not how God works....and it's sad that some people think like that.  He doesn't sit on his throne and say, "Watch this.....zap....".  Ever see the movie The Adjustment Bureau?  If you haven't, watch it.  It's about a "hidden" people who cause events to happen in ones life to basically keep you on the path of your destiny.  (AKA guardian angels I like to call them.)  So....when stuff like this happens, I think of the Adjustment Bureau.  They are hard at work sometimes.

I also then think of my dear old dad.  He always had words of wisdom at times like this:

    

Ok, just kidding.  That was my third movie reference.  (Young Frankenstein)  He didn't' say that, but he did LOVE that movie.  What he did say was, "Never complain about delays.  You never know what God is protecting you from or preventing a  possible tragedy."  So....again, pause.....breathe.  I have no idea what could've happened or didn't happen.  But I do believe that God is in control and nothing happens that he didn't orchestrate to happen.  Problem is we just see things as bad and He see's all of it for the greater good.

Now, I know some of the "problems" up above I listed are minuscule in comparison to other real, major problems in life.  Believe me, I know.  I've lived through my share of difficult problems and in the midst of the storm, you want to just crawl in a hole and hide.  It really is hard to see the greater good when the winds are blowing in our life.  I don't like days like that.  No one does.  I just have to hang on, and realize that frustration is ok sometimes.  It could be better than the possible alternative....whatever that alternative is.  I wonder how many of us have been spared from horrific events.  We'll never know....

My final movie reference?  Shawshank Redemption.  "Get busy living, or get busy dying." 

The choice is ours.  

      

If You've Had a Rough Year

If you log onto social media on a day like today, it's likely you'll see things in your news feed  like, "Bye Bye 2016" or "This year can't end soon enough" sort of posts.  I hear you.  My year was less than desirable too, in many ways.  Why is it that we were all so put to the test this year?  If you think I have the answer and that's what this blog will be about, quit reading now because I literally have no idea.

You know those goofy sayings like, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle?"  or "You must be really strong if God chooses you to endure such trials."  Let me get one thing straight with all of you.  I cannot stand those statements and I don't believe either of them are even remotely true.   First of all, I think God gives me way more than I could possibly  handle.  If I could handle everything, what on earth would I need Him for?  (I'd be willing to bet that some of you, even in semi joking moments have whispered, "God give me strength."!!)  Second of all, God doesn't pick and chose people to hand out trials to.  That would negate that He's a loving God, wouldn't it?  He doesn't sit on his throne and say, "This person needs cancer in their life and this person needs financial troubles and this person needs to have their family affected by addiction."    What I think is...no matter what we do here on earth, life will be hard.  Period.  I can't answer why some people seem to have more difficulties than others, but I have to have faith and believe that no matter what happens, good or bad, that God will work to use it for good.  Our finite beings may not see the whole picture, but I know God does.  Many ask, "Why does God allow suffering?"  I'm not going to answer that with philosophical reasoning and go into the whole debate of Him not interfering with our free will, the simple answer for me is I don't know, really.  But the truth is, here on earth we will suffer.  It's heaven where we won't.    

I read something the other day and actually that said, "Write down all the good things that happen this year and place them in a jar.  Then, on New Years Eve, open the jar and read them aloud."  What a great idea!!  The bad always seems to stick out more than the good, so maybe at the end of the year we need a refresher in what happened that was good?  I actually have a mason jar in my kitchen, all ready to go to do this.  I need to see good way more than I need to be reminded of the struggles.

Many people make resolutions to start tomorrow and by the 3rd week of January will be back to their old ways.  Me?  Guilty as well.  We get this notion that the start of a new year means a new you, new life, new mindset.  But because of this difficult year, I wake up every day now and whisper "thank you, Lord for another day."  Every day is a chance at a new you, new life, new mindset.  His mercies are new every morning.  This is a gift we have all year long.  Every single morning.

Here's something new to me that I've had to train myself to do.  Take time for yourself to recharge.  We get so sucked up into serving others, why do we think that we don't need to take a few moments for ourselves and plug in to charge the battery?  If it's extravagant as a European vacation or as simple as a walk through your neighborhood or a cup of coffee in a Tim Horton's parking lot...take 1 hour a week for yourself.  Where no one needs you for anything.  Nothing.  My only suggestion is that you leave your house and don't try to do this during the working hours because you will get sucked into doing something that interferes with your time.  The pile of laundry will still be there, the dishes will be too...but one hour is nothing in your week.  I have literally found deserted parking lots and shut my car off, reclined the seat and taken a nap, sit and sipped a cup of coffee or just closed my eyes and played soft music in the car.  Jesus himself even took time to revive.  Luke 5:16 - "But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed."  If God in the flesh needed time, what makes you think you don't??  Do it.  It's not wrong or selfish.  It's a lie to think you don't need a moment or two.  I also saw something once that said, "None of us are getting out of here alive so stop treating yourself as an afterthought.  Eat the delicious food.  Walk in the sunshine.  Jump in the ocean.  Say the truth that you're carrying in your heart like a hidden treasure.  Be silly.  Be kind.  Be weird.  There's no time for anything else."  Truth.  This is a short carousel ride folks.

Finally, I really do hope and pray your year ahead is filled with good things.  I can't promise you no trials.  I know sometimes we get browbeaten (*trust me...this has been my biggest issue this year....weary and waiting for the big boom around the corner.)  I get it.  But I also know this is no way to live.  Stop and smell the roses means more to me now than ever.  There's no time for anything else.

Happy 2017 ya'll.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOp4NAq6EHI&list=RDnOp4NAq6EHI

If You've Ever Had a Miscarriage or Stillbirth, I Understand....

12/29/89.  I was 19 years old.  Most people my age are out partying.  Me?  I was already married for a year and 5 mo's.  What can I say, when you know you've met the right one, you know and we married super young.  And no, I wouldn't recommend that to most people, but for us, it worked.  28 years later, still going strong....yes there are days we want to kill each other, but love is love and we made a promise to each other and God that we would "till death do us part".

That day was horrible though.  It was the first true test of our marriage.  Probably one of the hardest.  We were so young, so naive, so clueless on so many life lessons but we were about to get a real good lesson on one we never wanted, asked for or thought we needed.  I was about to join a club I never wanted to join and didn't ask for the invitation.  

Vince and I were expecting our first baby.  Due in May 1990.  We were over the moon excited.  Again, yes....young.  But, we both wanted to have our children young so we would be young when we raised them and young when they flew the coop.  More than anything in life, I wanted kids.  From the time I was a young teenager when I started babysitting, I thought there was nothing greater in life than a baby.  What a miracle.  A little over a year after we were married, in September of '89, we found out we were expecting our first.  I was thrilled.  So was he.  I was told by some family that VInce always said when he was growing up he "wanted a bus full of kids".  So......we don't have a bus full, but we were blessed with 4 kids, but one didn't make it....

Two days before Christmas that year, I woke up with what I thought was an absolutely mortifying event.  I thought I wet the bed.  My pj's were soaked.  I quickly showered and thought, "thank God he works nights, how embarrassing!!"  But, with a growing baby I chalked it up as pressure on my bladder and guess I just couldn't hold it and didn't wake up to go.  I guess there were worse things in life and it probably was semi normal.  I left that day to finish up some Christmas shopping and the whole time I was out, I thought, again, I was wetting my pants.  How ridiculous, I thought!  I was 20 weeks along and kept thinking, "What's going to happen when the baby is really big and really pushing on my bladder?"  After all, I had just started with a "baby bump" and was feeling those first movements.  No one else could feel them yet, but I could....those precious flutters.  It was SO exciting!  So, how could anything be wrong?  Guess it was just one of those pregnancy things....

The next day, Christmas Eve, I mentioned to my mother that I was "wetting my pants."  She prompted me to call the doctor, that it didn't sound right, that maybe I had a urinary tract infection and I shouldn't let it go.  So, I did just that, but it was 9 pm already.  I told him that I thought I may have a UTI and he said, "Ok, if you feel worse during the night or tomorrow, call me and go to the ER but otherwise I'll see you in my office first thing on the 26th.  For tonight and tomorrow, I want you to lay low and rest off your feet as much as possible."  I was there at 8 am that day, the 26th of December....

I told him my symptoms....mostly I was just "wetting my pants" and couldn't seem to control my bladder.  It just "leaks out" without warning.  He stopped writing and looked up at me and said, "Laura, you haven't had a large gush of fluid leak out, have you?  Or is it just small amounts?"  I had to fess up which was really embarrassing because my husband was there and I certainly didn't want him to know I wet the bed.  But I had to tell him..... "Yes, I did the other day.  I woke up soaking wet.  I didn't know you could pee the bed......"  He said, "Ok, I'm hoping I'm wrong here but I'm going to do a test with litmus paper to see if you're leaking amniotic fluid."  I still was clueless....I had no idea what was coming my way...

It was positive.  I remember looking at him saying, "So what do we do now?"  He just looked at me with a super sad look and said, "I need to send you to Children's Hospital to see a specialist and they need to do a sonogram to see if you have any amniotic fluid.  But I'm not going to lie to you, this is a dire situation.  You need to get there quickly because if you're membranes ruptured a few days ago, you're at risk for a very bad infection.  We need to find out quickly what's going on.  If you're membranes have ruptured, we have some very difficult decisions to make."  I STILL hadn't comprehended what was about to take place.

We went right to Children's Hospital.  Mind you, the fluid leaks never stopped.  When I got down to Children's, I had a sonogram to see if there was any fluid.  The amount that I should've had and the amount I had was not even close to measuring up.  I had a "small pocket of fluid" near the baby's face, but nothing anywhere else. You see, the baby and the mom continuously produce fluid so as it produced, I leaked it out.  I was immediately admitted, put on IV antibiotics and on complete bed rest to see if the "membrane would seal itself".   Even then, I thought, "Well, this is good.  I'm sure it will re-seal and all will be ok."  But then, more specialists came.  More bad news.  They said, "The problem here is that you basically have a hole which is allowing bacteria to enter your reproductive tract and if you contract an infection, you could risk never being able to have any children ever again.  We need to induce labor to get the baby out so your body isn't at risk anymore.  You could become seriously ill and quickly."  I was so shocked, so scared, so mad!!!  I insisted they wait just a little bit longer to see if my body would heal.  I remember my doctor coming in and saying, "Less than 1% of the time, the membrane will re-seal.  Laura, you're going to lose this baby and I'm so sorry.  But I will wait 24 more hours.  Total bed rest...you can't even get up to go to the bathroom.  But if by noon tomorrow things haven't changed, we need to move forward."  I told him I felt like people were pushing me into making a decision to terminate my pregnancy and this was completely against my religious beliefs.  I called up 3 ministers to pray with me.  To tell me if I was doing the right thing.  One of them was my former youth pastor who was now either in med school or was going to be soon.  He said, "You're not doing anything wrong.  Your body has already made the decision for you.  What they are telling you is true.  You need to listen to them and do what needs to be done.

On 12/28 they began to induce labor.  Labor my body was nowhere ready to begin or respond to.  It was awful.  It took 36 hours.  I remember begging the neonatology team to at least try and save my baby.  Who were they?  How did they know that this baby wouldn't survive?  Were they God?  I didn't care about medical statistics...miracles happen.  How would they know unless they tried??  The last thing I remember them saying to me is, "Viability isn't until 26 weeks.  You're 20 weeks.  This baby has no chance and to be quite honest with you, the labor that is happening....it's so rough on the fetus (*which I corrected him and made him say baby!), it will probably cause it to expire before birth.  I hate to admit he was right.  On 12/29/89 at 10:50 pm, I delivered a still baby boy.  It was the absolute, most heart wrenching thing I've ever had to do.  I have never cried like I did that day up to that point and I haven't cried like that since.  The sobs came from so deep within me, that it actually hurt to cry.

Looking back, I have one major regret.  It's so different now.....I've had friends and family have to go through this awful experience as well and it's so geared towards healing and there is an honor and respect for the life that was just lost.  My baby was brought to me on a blue hospital pad with a tiny hat on his head.  No blanket.....although they did take his footprints for me and I have 2 Polaroid pictures.  My husband was told at that time that prior to 20 weeks, this is labeled a miscarriage.  Post 20 weeks, it is labeled a still birth but because I was exactly 20 weeks, we were given the choice what to call it.  However, should we choose to label it a still birth, we would've had to legally bury the baby and here is my major regret:  I wish I would've.  We labeled it a miscarriage because we "thought we had been through enough and couldn't bear to see a small casket going into the ground now too."  We did have a memorial service for our son and for that I am forever grateful.  I needed it.  I need to acknowledge and honor his life, even as short as it was.  And although he never took a breath outside of my body, I rejoice in the peace that I have in knowing that I WILL see him again someday.

I was introduced some years later to two songs that have been my go to songs if I need to think of our baby.  One is called "Held" by Natalie Grant.  My friend Kim who has also lost her son Aiden, was the one who had me listen to it.  The other is "With Hope" by Steven Curtis Chapman.  My cousin Brooklyn, who also lost her son Andrew,  had a video made of her baby boy and that song was playing.  In the song "Held", there are lyrics that say "this is what it means to be held how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive...this is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held".  In the song "With Hope", the lyrics are "We can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope, cuz we know our goodbye is not the end....we can grieve with hope, cuz we believe with hope....there's a place where we'll see your face again."

You see folks, through that horrible, wicked time.....I hold on to two things.  First, our life is never promised to be without pain.  What is promised to us is that even in our darkest hour, God sees what is happening and although we may not feel it at the moment, He's there and he's holding you and covering you with his love and mercy.  Second.....because of my hope....I can rest in knowing I will see my son again someday.  I can grieve with hope because my hope is in God and where I know my son is.  It is glorious to me that my baby only knew two things in this world.  My body and the presence of God and Heaven.  I rest in knowing that I will be with him someday.  Is this day hard when the anniversary of it comes around??  All 27 of them have been.  All 27 of them I remember every moment of that dreadful day.  But I have also seen God's full restoration in my subsequent children Vince, Katie and Christopher.  I have experienced His grace and mercy and mere words do not describe it well enough.  I was forever changed that day at the young age of 19.....and I will forever feel pain on this day.  But it's with hope that I live.  It's with gratitude that I was held....

Until someday.......Lawrence David you were loved, you are still loved and I will see you again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmyUgsmCzB4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABjNDl2z7sA



        
  

2016 is almost over.  This hasn't been a good year for me.  The old me I once knew has vacated me for some unknown reason and has been replaced with a worried, anxious, nervous person who is beyond foreign to me.  I was never like this.  I was always the easy going one.  Nothing ever bothered me.  I was the person who always let things roll off their back.  Hakuna Matata.  I feel like the proverbial switch was flipped and I've spent countless hours reflecting and wondering why.  So here goes me opening the door to share what I've learned.  I've never been so ready to kick a year to the curb as I was this one.  Let me just say....it wasn't ALL bad.  There were some really nice things that happened, too.  But there were some serious Holy Cow blows below the belt that, I don't know...maybe I'm just tired and weary from it all.  Roads are long and hard to travel sometimes, aren't they?  

It started....at least I think it did with a few health scares.  One for me, one for my husband.  I won't go into very lengthy details, but the one for me was female in nature, the one for my husband put him in emergency surgery.  It started with me....having a routine test done and them "finding something" which prompted more tests, etc.  Being a seeker of knowledge and truth be told, a doubter by nature....this prompted me to do some research on what they were looking for and I focused on one word.  Cancer.  Even though my doctor told me multiple times, "I do not think you have cancer.", he still was doing the test for it.  My rationale mind wouldn't accept him just being thorough, it just focused on one word.  Even though the blood work came back normal and the subsequent tests did as well, I was rattled.  To my core.  Were they sure?  If he's so sure, why is he going to repeat the blood work and tests in a couple of months?  Then, a week later, my husband got sick...

He was having belly pain.  He was very uncomfortable.  Up and down all evening.  Standing, sitting, laying, just very restless.  Now for just one minute, I am going to confess that when he gets sick, I do a lot of eye rolling.  Have you seen that video that's circulating around the internet about a man cold vs. a woman cold?  If you haven't, watch it.  It's funny and is very true.  At least in this house, it is....and I'd venture to say in many houses.  So, when he was complaining of pain, I was somewhat unsympathetic that evening.  My answer to him was to go to the bathroom.  He was probably constipated or going to have a stomach virus and this was the beginning.  "Maybe you're going to puke" I said, "in which case get the heck away from us all so we don't catch it too."  He did go upstairs to our room and an hour later was back downstairs, just basically walking circles.  This went on for a couple of hours until finally I was aggravated enough to say, "Fine...let's go to the ER but they are going to full well tell you this is most likely a stomach virus."  Annoyed wasn't even the word to describe me.  It was 10 pm at night.  I'm normally in bed by 10:30.  I have to work early...I'm up at 5!  This is going to be a 4+ hour affair and I have to get up for work in the morning.  I remember backing out of the driveway in a much faster fashion than I normally would and him saying quietly, "Sorry."  I sighed..."it's fine..."  But I didn't hide my annoyance.  I won't bore you with the long details of the ER visit, but it wasn't until 4 am that they came in after doing some tests and told him he needed to get his gall bladder out.  Immediately.  I.  Felt.  Like.  Such.  A.  Jerk.  Are you kidding me?  I remember just looking at him thinking, "I'm the worst wife in the world right now."  I rushed home to call in sick to work and email sub plans to a colleague, change my clothes and head back up to the hospital only to find out that they weren't going to do the surgery that day, but the next.  They wanted him on no food for 24 hours and pre-surgical antibiotics.  So, the next day the surgery was done.  The doctor came out and told me, "I've done over 5000 of these surgeries and this was by far the worst gall bladder I've ever seen.  It was gangrene and necrotic.  I almost had to cut him open, but I was able to get it out laprascopically, however he can't go home tonight as expected.  I want him in here for 3-4 days with a drain to drain out the infection.  Your husband was a very sick man.  He had to have been in excruciating pain."  Again, cue the worst wife in the world award.

That, I believe was the start of it all.  From that point on, everything was a big deal and nothing was minor.  I became probably over vigilant in every area of my life.  Every pain I felt was probably something serious.  Everything.  Everyone around me that had a pain....a cold...I panicked!  And I became paralyzed with fear.  Fear of finding out what was wrong when every doctor kept saying nothing was wrong, other than you are panicked and anxious.  I felt like every time I thought nothing was a big deal, it will turn out to be and so everything from now on must be a big deal because obviously I'm not good at determining what is or isn't a big deal.

Let me tell you something about anxiety, too.  Once it starts, it's hard to stop it.  It perpetuates and infiltrates just about every area of your life.  This fight or flight response our bodies are equipped to employ if need be is a strong, strong response.  But this is no way to live.  This is no way to be.  Once you start worrying about something, you can't seem to stop.  One worry leads to another.  And no matter how hard you try to tell yourself to knock it off, it's pointless in the moment.  It became amazing to me that during the work hours, this was mostly a non issue.  I was completely distracted and my attention was diverted to more important issues.  But between the pre work hours and the after work hours until I went to bed, I worried about everything under the sun.  Some days, I'd worry about how much I was worried.  Insanity!!  Ridiculousness!  

I began to do some serious inner reflections.  Why, all of a sudden, does everything bother me?  Why do I think the worst all the time is about to happen?  Future blog posts will describe my childhood and adult life and the "hits" we took as a family (from childhood on), but I started to really think long and hard about me.  And, if you know me well enough, you know my faith is strong (or so I try for it to be!)  so I also began to pray.  Hard.  I was sometimes begging God to show me what it is He wanted me to learn from all this?  Was I being taught a hard lesson in life?  Was I insensitive in the past to those with anxiety so this was my lesson in sensitivity?  Through all this, here is what I've learned so far.

1.)  Worry doesn't come from God.  If He is truly good, He doesn't cause worry.  He's even described it in the scriptures.  I began to write so many down.  "For God doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind."  "Consider the birds of the air.  They do not sow, or reap....but your Father in heaven takes care of them.  Are you not more valuable than the birds?"

2.)  I need to not be so much of a control freak and learn to let some things go and learn to say no.  I can't do it all, and the suggestion that we can is a lie.

3.)  I believe that no matter what happens, it happens for a reason and that God is in control.  Read #2 again.

4.)  The media is the bane of my existence.  This includes social media.  I began to really listen to my words and the words around me.  There was so much negativity it was unbelievable.  When you are constantly hearing negative, and professing negative, it will permeate your life in ways you never thought possible.  One day, in a serious heart to heart talk with my husband, I made him promise that when we were alone....and many times couples do this....that instead of talking about all the problems or issues that have arisen that we need to take care of, we needed to talk about at least one positive thing in our life.  One blessing.  It's kind of like when I sit in on an IEP meeting and I have to list all the things to a parent that their child can't do and why this placement is best, etc......I seriously since the start of my teaching career have made every effort to begin those meetings with positive things to say about my students.  It sets the tone.  Therefore, I began to look around me and realize that so much in my life from the media was horrible.  Teachers are under attack.  Police are under attack.  There are a million stories on social media about animal abuse, child abuse.  Just think about it for one second.  Negative, negative, negative.  There is racial divide and I couldn't be more "unracist", although my personal convictions cause some to believe that I would be.  So we are all being grouped together by our political beliefs and this is wrong, folks.  Some of the nicest people I know differ from me politically, but I wouldn't once dream of placing them in a group based on their beliefs.  I look at them as friends with different opinions and that's ok., but the political climate is hostile (and still is.)  How many beloved celebrities have died this year?  To many!  Drugs permeate our society in record numbers.  People are lonely.  Searching.  It's all so overwhelming sometimes.  Since mid November.....just 6 weeks....6 people in my "circle" has passed away.  Someone either dear to someone I know or someone dear to me.  Horrible!  Sad!       

**On a side note, if this is also you, STOP!  One thing I had to learn to NOT do was google physical symptoms when I had them (I suffered from WebMD anxiety), so I've had to train my brain to not look at negative stories anymore.  Not to mention that many things on the internet simply aren't true and they are passed around like people pass mashed potatoes at dinner and they are believed.  I have learned to fact check stories and articles.  I have learned to keep scrolling!!  I have stopped going on all together.  (I considered deleting my social media accounts, and I still may....but I do love being able to log in and see my cousins children whom I normally wouldn't be able to see because they live out of state.  I can keep in touch with family and friends all across the world.  I've explored social media a bit and have discovered that you can filter what comes into your news feed more than you think.  I do love stories about puppies and giggling babies, and things that restore faith in humanity.(I like the feel good stuff.)  

I was talking to a friend who is a social worker and she said that since the onset of the political campaign and the culmination of the election, people are complaining of symptoms of depression in record numbers.  I believe it.  All you have to do is log into Facebook or twitter and scroll for a while.  Turn on the news and watch.  Where are the feel good stories?  The bottom line is, it doesn't sell as much as the heated, hyped up stuff that's all over the world right now.  I've asked some "older" friends and family who were alive during other times in history where the climate was tumultuous.  The civil rights movement, the Vietnam era, WWII, The Great Depression.  All have said that the previous historical events were so much worse than what we are experiencing today.  However, this is the time period I'm living in and I am affected.  I realize it's affecting my outlook, my heart, my mind.  Therefore, in an effort to protect my heart and mind, I am making better choices about what I will read.  How I will interact.  I want my actions to not matter to my neighbor, but to God.  Ultimately, it should only matter to Him, anyway.  

5.)   "Just breathe, Lois." (Quoted from the movie Superman, II.  This is what my brother will usually say to me when I'm jacked up.  "Breathe, Lois".).  One day a time.  One issue at a time.  I do not have to be a super hero.  I am human.  I am not super human.

6.)  I am not "cured".  I am working through things every day.  I have a new sensitivity to those who suffer from anxiety.  I get it.  I know it's hard to convince yourself that it's going to be ok.  Hang in there.  With all you've got, hang in there.

7.)  Above all, love.  Find something to love.  Find someone to be kind to.  God's greatest commandment is to Love.  Do it.  We all need it now, more than ever.  

So folks, this blog is for me to maybe just share what's on my heart from time to time.  I'm extremely refelctive.  Introspective.  Many have encouraged me to blog.  I've not done it till now. So till next time......To be continued......