2016 is almost over.  This hasn't been a good year for me.  The old me I once knew has vacated me for some unknown reason and has been replaced with a worried, anxious, nervous person who is beyond foreign to me.  I was never like this.  I was always the easy going one.  Nothing ever bothered me.  I was the person who always let things roll off their back.  Hakuna Matata.  I feel like the proverbial switch was flipped and I've spent countless hours reflecting and wondering why.  So here goes me opening the door to share what I've learned.  I've never been so ready to kick a year to the curb as I was this one.  Let me just say....it wasn't ALL bad.  There were some really nice things that happened, too.  But there were some serious Holy Cow blows below the belt that, I don't know...maybe I'm just tired and weary from it all.  Roads are long and hard to travel sometimes, aren't they?  

It started....at least I think it did with a few health scares.  One for me, one for my husband.  I won't go into very lengthy details, but the one for me was female in nature, the one for my husband put him in emergency surgery.  It started with me....having a routine test done and them "finding something" which prompted more tests, etc.  Being a seeker of knowledge and truth be told, a doubter by nature....this prompted me to do some research on what they were looking for and I focused on one word.  Cancer.  Even though my doctor told me multiple times, "I do not think you have cancer.", he still was doing the test for it.  My rationale mind wouldn't accept him just being thorough, it just focused on one word.  Even though the blood work came back normal and the subsequent tests did as well, I was rattled.  To my core.  Were they sure?  If he's so sure, why is he going to repeat the blood work and tests in a couple of months?  Then, a week later, my husband got sick...

He was having belly pain.  He was very uncomfortable.  Up and down all evening.  Standing, sitting, laying, just very restless.  Now for just one minute, I am going to confess that when he gets sick, I do a lot of eye rolling.  Have you seen that video that's circulating around the internet about a man cold vs. a woman cold?  If you haven't, watch it.  It's funny and is very true.  At least in this house, it is....and I'd venture to say in many houses.  So, when he was complaining of pain, I was somewhat unsympathetic that evening.  My answer to him was to go to the bathroom.  He was probably constipated or going to have a stomach virus and this was the beginning.  "Maybe you're going to puke" I said, "in which case get the heck away from us all so we don't catch it too."  He did go upstairs to our room and an hour later was back downstairs, just basically walking circles.  This went on for a couple of hours until finally I was aggravated enough to say, "Fine...let's go to the ER but they are going to full well tell you this is most likely a stomach virus."  Annoyed wasn't even the word to describe me.  It was 10 pm at night.  I'm normally in bed by 10:30.  I have to work early...I'm up at 5!  This is going to be a 4+ hour affair and I have to get up for work in the morning.  I remember backing out of the driveway in a much faster fashion than I normally would and him saying quietly, "Sorry."  I sighed..."it's fine..."  But I didn't hide my annoyance.  I won't bore you with the long details of the ER visit, but it wasn't until 4 am that they came in after doing some tests and told him he needed to get his gall bladder out.  Immediately.  I.  Felt.  Like.  Such.  A.  Jerk.  Are you kidding me?  I remember just looking at him thinking, "I'm the worst wife in the world right now."  I rushed home to call in sick to work and email sub plans to a colleague, change my clothes and head back up to the hospital only to find out that they weren't going to do the surgery that day, but the next.  They wanted him on no food for 24 hours and pre-surgical antibiotics.  So, the next day the surgery was done.  The doctor came out and told me, "I've done over 5000 of these surgeries and this was by far the worst gall bladder I've ever seen.  It was gangrene and necrotic.  I almost had to cut him open, but I was able to get it out laprascopically, however he can't go home tonight as expected.  I want him in here for 3-4 days with a drain to drain out the infection.  Your husband was a very sick man.  He had to have been in excruciating pain."  Again, cue the worst wife in the world award.

That, I believe was the start of it all.  From that point on, everything was a big deal and nothing was minor.  I became probably over vigilant in every area of my life.  Every pain I felt was probably something serious.  Everything.  Everyone around me that had a pain....a cold...I panicked!  And I became paralyzed with fear.  Fear of finding out what was wrong when every doctor kept saying nothing was wrong, other than you are panicked and anxious.  I felt like every time I thought nothing was a big deal, it will turn out to be and so everything from now on must be a big deal because obviously I'm not good at determining what is or isn't a big deal.

Let me tell you something about anxiety, too.  Once it starts, it's hard to stop it.  It perpetuates and infiltrates just about every area of your life.  This fight or flight response our bodies are equipped to employ if need be is a strong, strong response.  But this is no way to live.  This is no way to be.  Once you start worrying about something, you can't seem to stop.  One worry leads to another.  And no matter how hard you try to tell yourself to knock it off, it's pointless in the moment.  It became amazing to me that during the work hours, this was mostly a non issue.  I was completely distracted and my attention was diverted to more important issues.  But between the pre work hours and the after work hours until I went to bed, I worried about everything under the sun.  Some days, I'd worry about how much I was worried.  Insanity!!  Ridiculousness!  

I began to do some serious inner reflections.  Why, all of a sudden, does everything bother me?  Why do I think the worst all the time is about to happen?  Future blog posts will describe my childhood and adult life and the "hits" we took as a family (from childhood on), but I started to really think long and hard about me.  And, if you know me well enough, you know my faith is strong (or so I try for it to be!)  so I also began to pray.  Hard.  I was sometimes begging God to show me what it is He wanted me to learn from all this?  Was I being taught a hard lesson in life?  Was I insensitive in the past to those with anxiety so this was my lesson in sensitivity?  Through all this, here is what I've learned so far.

1.)  Worry doesn't come from God.  If He is truly good, He doesn't cause worry.  He's even described it in the scriptures.  I began to write so many down.  "For God doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind."  "Consider the birds of the air.  They do not sow, or reap....but your Father in heaven takes care of them.  Are you not more valuable than the birds?"

2.)  I need to not be so much of a control freak and learn to let some things go and learn to say no.  I can't do it all, and the suggestion that we can is a lie.

3.)  I believe that no matter what happens, it happens for a reason and that God is in control.  Read #2 again.

4.)  The media is the bane of my existence.  This includes social media.  I began to really listen to my words and the words around me.  There was so much negativity it was unbelievable.  When you are constantly hearing negative, and professing negative, it will permeate your life in ways you never thought possible.  One day, in a serious heart to heart talk with my husband, I made him promise that when we were alone....and many times couples do this....that instead of talking about all the problems or issues that have arisen that we need to take care of, we needed to talk about at least one positive thing in our life.  One blessing.  It's kind of like when I sit in on an IEP meeting and I have to list all the things to a parent that their child can't do and why this placement is best, etc......I seriously since the start of my teaching career have made every effort to begin those meetings with positive things to say about my students.  It sets the tone.  Therefore, I began to look around me and realize that so much in my life from the media was horrible.  Teachers are under attack.  Police are under attack.  There are a million stories on social media about animal abuse, child abuse.  Just think about it for one second.  Negative, negative, negative.  There is racial divide and I couldn't be more "unracist", although my personal convictions cause some to believe that I would be.  So we are all being grouped together by our political beliefs and this is wrong, folks.  Some of the nicest people I know differ from me politically, but I wouldn't once dream of placing them in a group based on their beliefs.  I look at them as friends with different opinions and that's ok., but the political climate is hostile (and still is.)  How many beloved celebrities have died this year?  To many!  Drugs permeate our society in record numbers.  People are lonely.  Searching.  It's all so overwhelming sometimes.  Since mid November.....just 6 weeks....6 people in my "circle" has passed away.  Someone either dear to someone I know or someone dear to me.  Horrible!  Sad!       

**On a side note, if this is also you, STOP!  One thing I had to learn to NOT do was google physical symptoms when I had them (I suffered from WebMD anxiety), so I've had to train my brain to not look at negative stories anymore.  Not to mention that many things on the internet simply aren't true and they are passed around like people pass mashed potatoes at dinner and they are believed.  I have learned to fact check stories and articles.  I have learned to keep scrolling!!  I have stopped going on all together.  (I considered deleting my social media accounts, and I still may....but I do love being able to log in and see my cousins children whom I normally wouldn't be able to see because they live out of state.  I can keep in touch with family and friends all across the world.  I've explored social media a bit and have discovered that you can filter what comes into your news feed more than you think.  I do love stories about puppies and giggling babies, and things that restore faith in humanity.(I like the feel good stuff.)  

I was talking to a friend who is a social worker and she said that since the onset of the political campaign and the culmination of the election, people are complaining of symptoms of depression in record numbers.  I believe it.  All you have to do is log into Facebook or twitter and scroll for a while.  Turn on the news and watch.  Where are the feel good stories?  The bottom line is, it doesn't sell as much as the heated, hyped up stuff that's all over the world right now.  I've asked some "older" friends and family who were alive during other times in history where the climate was tumultuous.  The civil rights movement, the Vietnam era, WWII, The Great Depression.  All have said that the previous historical events were so much worse than what we are experiencing today.  However, this is the time period I'm living in and I am affected.  I realize it's affecting my outlook, my heart, my mind.  Therefore, in an effort to protect my heart and mind, I am making better choices about what I will read.  How I will interact.  I want my actions to not matter to my neighbor, but to God.  Ultimately, it should only matter to Him, anyway.  

5.)   "Just breathe, Lois." (Quoted from the movie Superman, II.  This is what my brother will usually say to me when I'm jacked up.  "Breathe, Lois".).  One day a time.  One issue at a time.  I do not have to be a super hero.  I am human.  I am not super human.

6.)  I am not "cured".  I am working through things every day.  I have a new sensitivity to those who suffer from anxiety.  I get it.  I know it's hard to convince yourself that it's going to be ok.  Hang in there.  With all you've got, hang in there.

7.)  Above all, love.  Find something to love.  Find someone to be kind to.  God's greatest commandment is to Love.  Do it.  We all need it now, more than ever.  

So folks, this blog is for me to maybe just share what's on my heart from time to time.  I'm extremely refelctive.  Introspective.  Many have encouraged me to blog.  I've not done it till now. So till next time......To be continued......